Momentum through Resistance

Oh hi. It’s been awhile as I haven’t written any posts since I hit my first goal of six posts before the go-live date I set of December 1, 2019. I didn’t set another blogging goal and somehow thought I would just continue the momentum naturally – as if I didn’t have to push through clouds of resistance to get that one accomplished. I was waiting for inspiration and motivation to magically float into my head. But that didn’t work as planned, or should I say lack of planned.

What there was instead was a whole lot of space and time left open for feeling aimless, frantic, overwhelmed, discouraged, pissy, and in an abundant state of resistance to writing anything further. I still thought about my lack of blogging and forthcoming posts every. single. day! Included with that were ample amounts of getting mad at myself for not writing and self-induced stress for not getting shit done. I did get clearer on who I DON’T want to be and the stories I NO LONGER want to tell. I also got clearer on what it’s going to take to move closer to who I DO want to be, the JUICY life I want and the necessary habits I’ll have to get disciplined about to get there. Yep, discipline.

What I also came to realize, is that setting and committing to goals are what create momentum and forward movement. Planning and setting goals pull us forward; not setting goals usually means a million things swirling around as clouds of thought and not much productivity – at least for me. Oh, I did a lot this week. Just not what I thought I should. And then felt guilty and bad about what I didn’t get done.

This week (it’s now December 15 ’cause it took me another week to re-visit this post), my biggest focus is on my health and fitness which is still super positive, life-affirming and getting me aligned with where I want to go. Without energy and life force, I won’t have steam for much else.

I’ve spend hours meal planning, prepping, cooking and baking for these new keto/paleo meal plans. I cleaned out my freezer, fridge and pantry. I have also been focused on my workouts, stretching my tight fascia out, pushing myself further and along with that, getting more in tune with what my body is telling me which feels great! So far I have released seven pounds which is super thrilling to see the scale move in the opposite direction. It’s been a long while, old friend.

And then come the worrisome swirling thoughts wondering if my body is eating muscle from not eating as much protein and if I will find those seven pounds shortly. In other words, Chicken Little-ing my success away. I had to remind myself that despite what this journey holds, it doesn’t take away from the fact that the scale is down now. I lost 100 pounds before and gained some of that back but it still does not diminish in the slightest that I achieved that huge accomplishment. I have been working my ass off and committing to myself, tweaking and adjusting for what works for me. Why can’t I be seeing progress now just ’cause all the other things I have been doing the past 1.5 years or so weren’t working?! In that time, there was also a lot of giving in to discouragement, half-ass committing, listening more to others than myself and doing things that probably don’t really work for my body’s current needs. Maybe this is just what my body is needing? I’m committed and will tweak as I go listening to my body and spirit’s guidance.

I think a lot of us bumble around in life aimlessly wandering fields not meant for us or paths that just cause consternation because there is no overarching direction or vision. In other words, the bus is moving but the entirety of our being might not be on that bus or we might be trying to direct a cart where the horses are pulling in different directions. Or we have so many voices outside/inside that we can no longer hear our own inner wisdom. There’s so much information out there competing for attention and space in our heads.

Successful people know how to minimize these though and despite all of us having the same seconds in each day, people who create success for themselves and others have certain habits, systems and disciplines in place to move the needle forward. No one gets out alive but success means using each day as efficiently as possible cutting out the fluff and slack and noise right up to the moment we return home. Success means contribution and working to express our dreams out into the world to show others that it’s possible. Success means believing in expanding possibilities and then walking step by step towards them. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about goal setting, putting systems in place, planning, exercising discipline. Despite knowing a lot about these topics, I still struggle to get myself to do them – at least consistently so they add up to something. The struggle is real these days as I am resistant as fuck and my programs are kicking in overdrive to get me to stay comfortable and safe where I can predict my days with alarming accuracy and I don’t have to stretch outside my comfort zone much. I think we can all relate to this!

It’s something I will focus on over the next while as I work on telling new stories and install better programs. Insert awkward toddler phase here with lots of falls and getting back up over and over again. I’m learning lots though and hopefully as I figure out what works, you will find some treasures that help you move forward too.

I realize that this post rambles on a bit without having a uniform direction but it was so important for me to just write something before this two-week hiatus turns into forever. I keep worrying about creating value and having this be an epic blog that will change lives, pondering who my audience is and what they need/want to read. And all that is tripping me up – hard! Because if I don’t write, I won’t even have an audience.

So this is me, relaying my stuckness in all its glory and yet still taking a step forward to…. something, at least! To write even though it’s not perfect and can be a million times better. But the longer I think on all that, the further away I get from sharing my story and teachings coming in for fear they have no value and are too mundane. The more I focus on what it could be with more planning, thinking, wondering how to make it amazing and a be-all to everyone, the more I turtle away and stress about writing instead of actually doing it. Really, how many of us go through this? Thinking, plotting, planning and not quite doing? Or doing for a bit then stopping?

It all comes down to the programs and stories playing out in our heads. It’s only us stopping us and it’s time to keep going – even through the resistance and the reasons why not. The desire to prep more and make things better before taking it live. Except sometimes those times never come.

So all there is is today, this moment in fact and all that matters is that you do the best you can with it. So I will leave this here – rambly and imperfect but another point on the map towards a new destination.

Weekly Reading for December 1-7

For this reading, I had someone choose three different cards from Tony Christie’s Labyrinth Wisdom Cards deck, face down. I did not flip each card over until I had finished writing the message from the previous card. I find it so incredible and awe-inspiring how they all flow together, one into the other, synchronistically on the same path.

Card #1 Transition – You are going through a period of change. You will emerge renewed.

As 2019 draws to a close, there is still much magic and transformation to discover. We are moving closer to the shortest and darkest day of the year in which shadows will reverse and more light will be drawn in to illuminate all that no longer wants to remain hidden.

Old patterns and stories may be re-emerging, seeking to move closer to the light so they can be illuminated and viewed for what they are. Sort of like watching a horror movie on a bright sunny day from the movie set versus a dark stormy night at home. On set, you see the full picture and the man-made drama with people running around the set with fake blood and plastic toys.

At home in the dark, the mind can fill in the hollows and make untruths real – fooling, playing mind tricks and creating fear. Keep your eyes open and remember that behind the story, there is a fictitious cast made up of childhood parts that tried to make sense of bits and pieces of information by creating a fictional narrative to help you make sense of the world. That story is being re-written now. You may feel like you are being turned inside out being squished and liquefied like a caterpillar in a cocoon. It may seem as though you have no control or choice in what’s happening; however, you are moving closer to a breakthrough.

One in which you are shedding your cocoon casing and emerging from your past. You will experience much joy, amazement and wonder on the other side soaring higher with your new beautiful wings that were fragile and weak at the start but now carry you to heights you had not dreamed possible.

Trust the process and that all is happening for your highest good. Trust yourself and know that deep truths are winding and whirling up through your consciousness, transforming from dark to light. And once in the open, you will have a higher perspective of love and gratitude for those things carrying the weight of a narrative that was not never you. It was a part and will always be – just smaller and quieter with much less power to get in the way.

Surrender, trust and let go. The tighter you hold on, the rougher the ride will be. Allow your path to unfold in front of you. Old ways of being that previously kept you safe are now a hindrance. Let yourself be vulnerable, gentle and flexible. It’s going to take some work and energy to pass through the eye of the needle but you will be be birthed anew.

Card#2 Warrior – Fight for what is right for you. You have all the strength you need.

Through this journey, you may be tested and pushed against. You may be hurled into the air and thrown up against the rocks so you can more clearly see your strength and viability. You may need to confront those things in your life that are no longer working for you – whether your own limitations and bullshit, outdated paradigms or relationships that may need to be let go of.

|Be brave and courageous when seeking understanding of what is holding you back from moving on into the life that is awaiting you to claim it. Be a loving witness for any inner battles and demons come up. You may be in the fight now feeling as though you are struggling in rubber cobwebs that bend and bounce back as you try to move through. But you will find that they get stiffer and weaker allowing you to break through to the other side. The joy, the love, the enriching and uplifting relationships, the mission-driven purpose, the abundance, the connection, the wholeness, the all-that-is. Ok, maybe that’s too over the top especially in a place of anger and frustration as you are in a tug-of-war, but it’s all waiting for you on the other side. The only way out is through. This will be another time that you need to trust the process and trust yourself.

Each challenge popping up is there to build strength and determination. Each test is pushing you to keep going. You can do hard things. Face your issues. Draw on your inner warrior and inner strength to carry you through any obstacle in your way. You have everything inside you that you need right now. Be open to the miracle unfolding within.

Card #3 Bravery – Things may seem difficult right now. Be brave and face your fears.

This card shows that messages and themes will repeat throughout your days until they teach you what you need to know. They will come in different ways and different languages until one lands in a way that you can hear it and take the message in for change. Ask yourself – Where are you playing deaf? Where are you denying lessons? What are you drowning them out with? Relationship dramas, keeping overwhelmingly busy, food, alcohol, process addictions, ruminating, creating chaos inside and out.

Dear one, love and let go. Become more awake and aware of where you shut out the light that is trying to speak to you. Do not be afraid of whispers in the dark for they are trying to teach and illuminate your path despite an appearance that may be to the contrary. Use discernment for what is from source, your higher self or super-conscious versus the loud voices frantically screaming trying to get you to run in circles being everything to everyone for those come from fear, misguided attempts at protection and ego.

Fear is ok. You can still act in spite of fear. You can act even when fear is knocking at your door and screaming in your face. You can thank the fear for helping you call forth your bravery and building you up, making you stronger. When you get in touch with your fear and work with it, it can serve you more strongly. Moving through it, fear can show you your greatest demons and your strongest strengths. It can deliver you to doors you never imagined would open and take you to heights you thought you would topple from into an abyss.

If you avoid the lessons or dealing with what’s in front of you time and time again, it will come at you stronger, harder, relentless. Sometimes thinking about something takes more energy and time than just doing it. Rise up. You have deep strength and courage within. Let your lion roar.

December 1, 2019

Expanding Possibilities

The Stories Holding us Back

A common catch phrase now is people saying ‘You do you’. For much of my life, I have struggled with ‘doing me’. I have largely felt that who I am is unacceptable or my package is not attractive as others’ or that other people have shit figured out better than I do.

Although I’ve come to see recently that this is one of my stories and that others have similar stories too, even those who never talk about it or open up about what’s really happening inside. The ones who hide behind an oil painting facade with an image of poise and grace, warrior pose, looking put together. It may look like they have it all figured out but they don’t though. They are also scared at times trying to figure out their next move or who they are. They think about not being good enough. They get stuck and sad and victimy at times too. Or as my friend Andrew would say in response to me being a special snowflake thinking I am the only one with degrading thoughts traipsing through my mind on the daily – others struggle with these and their own unique track of limiting thoughts too.

In line with these stories, I’ve been awed by people in authority or positions of power. People who are wealthy, accomplished, fit, gorgeous, well-dressed, well-spoken. People who are getting shit done in life. People who are a somebody, or as my girlfriend’s daughter Rio would say, whobody. In their presence, I often feel tongue-tied, ugly, awkward and wanting. And indeed, less than. I shrink into this little girl state of feeling small and insignificant, deferring to them and wanting approval, to be acknowledged.

Yesterday, as I was getting ready for work, I had put on a dress as I was invited by our CEO’s Executive Assistant to a Christmas luncheon. I wanted to look businessy and sharp but also pretty and put together. I love festive events at this time of year and getting dolled up. I also knew there would be a lot of downtown business folk there all dressed up and shiny.

I felt frumpy and pregnant-looking in my dress. I tried on a few blazers with it but didn’t feel good in them. I was starting to panic rushing against the clock to get to work before a 9 a.m. meeting. I felt the shame of showing up looking preggers and dowdy instead of fabulous and confident. I was almost out the door but went back to change and try things on a couple times as the clock ticked further ahead. Finally I stuffed some blazers and sweaters in my bag and got ready to step out the door. I took a last look at myself in the front door closet mirror and cringed seeing my too-dark hair that I don’t feel pretty in and my tights with a criss-cross pattern that didn’t seem to jive with my black lace dress.

All my stuff about feeling powerless about my weight, frustration about my current body and feeling like an imposter came to the surface screaming in my face. Then I thought, wow! How much power I give to my weight and body to shape who I am and how I show up. Even if people do look at me and judge, what bearing does that have on my life? Who are they? Even if they do think I look terrible or fat or that my dress is clashing with my tights, why does that need to touch me in any way? It’s their ideals, their perceptions, their thoughts, their model of the world, their shit. Seriously, what has it got to do with me?! I’ll never see most of them again. So what if they judge or think whatever they think. They don’t know my story, who I am, what I am capable of, what I have overcome. They are only seeing me at a fixed moment in time. A girl in a black lace dress with a bright pink sweater and sparkly jewelry, eyes bright and hopeful yet trepidatious.

Ahhh, but they are my stories of what I think they think about me that I am allow to dictate how I show up in life. Most of what I think people are thinking probably never even hits reality. People are too worried about how others are thinking about them and their clashing tights and their bloated tummies.

It’s interesting to have this come up, witness my reactions this morning and see how much I live my life based on what others think. I live so much in accordance with trying to measure up to others or who I perceive them to be, what they think or perceive of me or whether they will like me or how I can be different so they will. It’s all bullshit and feels gross. My morning was stressful and full of self-induced angst. And for what? Well for great insights and transformation for sure, but also a whole lot of shit storm that didn’t need to be there and certainly did not keep me in a champion mindset willing to give the world my all despite the size of my dress or the rolls on my body.

I was late for my morning meeting. I called to say I was running a bit late but really, in those moments, I was making myself and my shit more important than being there for someone who needed my help. Someone with their own worries and fears who came to me for help because I am a company expert in what they were tasked with doing. I was letting that particular someone down because I was worried some strangers might not think I’m cool?! Because I was placing more importance on my image and what I was doing rather than who I am and what I can contribute to the world?! 

How many of us live like this trying to keep up with the Jonses and carve our path in a cardboard box rat race of competition and making ourselves sick all the while. For every moment I am living in shame and worry about not being whole or enough, there is someone with no limbs or a disfigured face or a broken body who is serving the world in spite of. Someone who has made their mission more important than the compelling limiting stories they could be justifiably letting hold them back. But they are out there adapting, excelling, inspiring from who they are and what they have to offer with their being.

I want to live and be me, whoever she is evolving into. Fuck all that other bullshit and the horse it rode in on. Such a liberating re-frame. But I am not out of the woods yet, not even close. I still need to be more of me. To serve and make my mission louder than the voices misguidedly trying to protect me. To love and accept all the fears and worries and shameful bits I am so worried about other people finding.

But so what if they do? I’ve seen my shadows. I know them intimately. I’ve taken them out of the box and looked at them for a good while. I can help and grow and evolve – yet these roots will always be there. Everyone has them and I am no different. It’s what makes us humble and human and united in our humanity. That’s where the power lies. Not in stuffing them down but in illuminating them, exposing them for the dirty thieves of joy that they are. Maybe I could love even those parts too. Maybe who I am is enough exactly as I am now.

What stories are running in your life? How do they show up and hinder your life?

There is a way and I will find it

It’s now Saturday and I haven’t written for a couple days as I’ve had appointments after work and got home late. As I say this, I know that I could have written in between moments here and there but I hadn’t really felt like it.

I am still struggling between pushing myself and being in flow. Discerning the voice of my inner tyrant pushing me along like a drill sergeant versus the part of me that wants to move forward quickly into a new life and is urging me into action.

Although, I am starting to feel exhausted and burnt out, anxious, and out of sorts. Resistance is creeping in stronger and stronger. I’m sure over time, things will get clearer, but for now I am feeling a bit of that battle. I do know that in the past, huge shifts, changes and catapulting forward moments were proceeded by a calming, letting go – that deep sigh feeling of lowering the body into a tub of warm, nurturing, healing water with candles glowing all around and yummy scents curling into the nose. Not striving, not pushing – just being.

So this is a theme I am working out now and playing with the balance of – what I need to do to move forward but also what I need to do to be in a state of allowing thoughts to become things with grace and ease. The kind of ease where you are still taking action but also flowing and giving the Universe space to serve up all kinds of yummy goodness that’s even better than what was on the wish list originally. I have been in these exquisite states of flow before and they feel infinitely delicious and expansive.

I have been doing recordings each morning to record what’s happening in my life, how I’m feeling, what’s coming through etc. It feels really good to express all that outside me and captire the moments as I am doing it. Sometimes I get really emotional and cry, sometimes I laugh but mostly I feel a deep connection and gratitude for this journey. You can hear all the emotions, peaks and valleys in these recordings. I think I will mix things up here and there with vlogs.

Thursday (as I am writing this in retrospect of what was coming through that day), I started noticing these anxious bits popping up around food, food addiction, body, body image, questioning if I will ever lose weight, if it’s possible, if I can stick with this, wishing for a key insight that will change everything so that it all happens with ease as it did before and on we go.

I stepped on the scale and it was up two pounds. The number jumped me up and smacked me in the face. Like what the actual fuck??!! I’ve been exercising, meal prepping, staying on track. Then I remembered it’s only been a week and my body is different now that it was then. I need to keep going.

I was starting to feel frantic about changing things up, finding an answer, the ideal plan. Starting to feel powerless and extra cognizant of the gap between what I want and where I am now. I felt a scream starting to form inside again. Then I realized I need to go for at least one month, two months, three months consistently with what I am doing and only then if it isn’t working I can think about doing something else.

Because what’s the alternative? Going off plan, eating whatever, whenever without being mindful to what it’s doing for and in my body? Feeling lost with no idea where I am and why? Not having a blueprint in place from which to measure me progress against? Moving through life haphazardly as if blowing about like a tumbleweed with no roots? The alternative doesn’t sound any better at all. At least now I feel like I am working towards something, helping, healing and nourishing my body. At least now I am at the beginning of starting to feel better, more alive and on target.

This is in line with a recording I listened to where Les Brown talks about how people quit after a short period of time saying it’s not working but really they didn’t give it enough time before giving up. It pisses me off because I want it to happen now. For B to follow A for 1 to equal 1, calories in versus calories out, for my plan to work as it always did before. But my body knows what to do for perfect health and I get the sense it has different priorities right now to rebuild and heal after all the stress I’ve put it through the past two years. My body wants to feel free and vibrant and light too I’m sure but is obeying what I am subconsciously telling it – Master, your wish is my command.

I’m working on telling a new story but this weight/body/self part is so deep and hard to get it at seems. Why is all this shit so complex? Lol I’m sure it’s not but I am making it that way struggling, pushing against things.

There is also this other part of me saying, no, we’re not doing this anymore. Let’s change our patterns and thoughts, push forward and put any contrary thoughts to the side. While that is good and helpful and will definitely help me get where I need to go, the reality is that there is something inside knocking on the door inside, wanting my attention and saying Hey! I’m here! I have something to say! Listen to me! I need to listen, without collapsing into it or letting it take over and of course with discernment to understand if it’s a friend or foe trying to pull me back.

I’ve recently done some work around shadows and the only way out is through, slogging through mud, moving forward, figuring it out and accepting. The journey isn’t all positive thinking and moving through with ease but also getting really real with your shit and even allowing it to hit you in the face before wiping it off. I’m working towards loving and accepting what is right now, even as I feel the war starting inside.

My body, my suit of armour, my anchor to the earth, my protection, my shell, my connection with all that is – it’s been an ever present struggle for most of my life starting with when I was put on a diet as an infant. Even then I was getting the message that who I was was unacceptable. That somehow my body had to be restricted, molded into submission, made smaller. I was fed messages that my body couldn’t be trusted to do the right thing on its own and have moved through life feeling that my body is the enemy. I’ve picked up the messages and carried this burden that somehow that I am missing the boat and need someone outside me to help find it.

But I don’t. I have lost huge amounts of weight on my own before. I am strong. I am capable. I am a warrior. I have healed myself. I have moved forward in life even when I had no idea how I could go on. I have changed and I have transformed. I have been thrown into the fire and risen like a Phoenix from the ashes.

I am reminded of that meme where the kitten is looking into the mirror and sees a lion. That’s where I am now. Looking at the lion. Staring it in the face and not knowing how to step into that body but knowing there is hope. There is a way and I will find it.

Reframe, Re-evaluate, Reach

This morning I woke up at 430 am. I felt very awake and pretty good so I thought I’d start my day then. I had planned to work out while watching Limitless on Gaia (show on Gaia TV about pushing your limits and expanding possibilities) and journal.

Instead, I reached for my phone and researched life coaching training programs. Bfore I knew it, two hours had gone by. I journalled a bit but then had to get ready for work as I had an early meeting. I started going into my familiar patterns of getting mad at myself for wasting the morning and not doing my workout or accomplishing what I had set out.

I felt off and yucky. I told myself I could continue in this downward spiral which was causing increasing disconcerting feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, frustration, and disappointment. I also told myself it was my choice to burrow deeper into this shitstorm brewing or move forward in a different way. I felt empowered and even though I wasn’t convinced my day wouldn’t continue to get ahead of me after all, I decided to let it go and take this as an opportunity to learn.  

I didn’t have the morning I had planned but I still achieved an exploration action on my list that would help me move forward. As I was taking in the information, I was thinking, planning, envisioning a bigger life, who I was becoming, and what that new life would look like.

I re-routed and planned to go to the gym at lunch and write a blog post between when I ended work and had to leave for my meetup (I am writing this from my desk now at 6 pm and also went to the gym at lunch so kept both commitments easy peasy! Woo hoo!)

I then started listening to some motivational speeches from YouTube while I was getting ready for work. I like to start my day with these as they really get me jazzed and into a champion mindset. I got really curious instead of condemning the reasons why I didn’t feel great. My mind shifted to looking at this as an opportunity to look at what I had planned, what actually happened, how it made me feel and the gaps.

I find when I take certain actions in the mornings like working out and journaling, spirit connection etc, I feel better. I want to start planning my days out and book times for activities instead of just having ad-hoc goals and activities in my mind all willy-nilly. I can leave room for spontaneity and flexibility but if I plan better, it will help me maximize my time and build efficiencies so I can do more with the same time. I can research, educate and learn in the evenings or another time and use my mornings for the pump-it-up, set a kick-ass day festivities.

I had thoughts pop in around researching maximum productivity times of the day for certain activities that are in alignment with the body’s circadian rhythms, sun alignment etc. No idea where that came from but it seems like an interesting message to chase down. I’d also like to explore life/productivity hacking and put systems in place to become a higher performer. I know I can do so much more in a day with proven systems and planning. I find now I am getting bogged down and hours pass where I get hyper-focused on something to the exclusion of everything else.

Today’s eating was derailed a bit with 2 small slices of pizza and salad at lunch that was in our staff lunchroom. At least I had gone to the gym before. Still, I felt this impending doom feeling of sliding off my rocker and derailing. I kept feeling some niggly anxieties in the back of my mind that kept saying I need some oral fixation (i.e. chocolate or sweets). I chose fruit instead but I felt a devil on my shoulder trying to get me to do naughty things all day and telling me I was falling off track and moving away from my goals. 

I made it to a creativity meet-up where we will start working with Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. It’s been so long since I nurtured my creativity and I want to unleash some epic creations. I had a great time and met cool people with amazing thoughts and ideas. I got a list of 100 artist dates which are neat and rando things to do to explore, break out of comfort zones, connect with inner children, play, laugh, be random and inspire out of the box ways of being. I’ve decided I will do all of them by the end of 2020. I’m excited to explore that further.So while I still feel uneasy with this dance of a freight train pushing up against my willpower, I know I have work to do in making and solidifying a decision so compelling that willpower is not needed. Where my decision will strongly guide me just as it did through my 100 pound weight loss and quitting smoking cold turkey never to let a cigarette touch my lips in the almost 11 years since. I made the decision I wanted a certain life and I couldn’t have it as a smoker. Literally zero willpower needed whereas every time before I was jonesing to smoke every five seconds and had to use sheer fist-clenching willpower which always faded out after some time. I had quit no less than a million times before always to fall off the wagon, but in these 11 years, I think I’ve thought about three times what it might be like to have a cigarette but no desire to do so.

I made it to a creativity meet-up where we will start working with Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. It’s been so long since I nurtured my creativity and I want to unleash some epic creations. I had a great time and met cool people with amazing thoughts and ideas. I got a list of 100 artist dates which are neat and rando things to do to explore, break out of comfort zones, connect with inner children, play, laugh, be random and inspire out of the box ways of being. I’ve decided I will do all of them by the end of 2020. I’m excited to explore that further.

This is what’s currently working for me:

*planning and prepping my meals so I am within plan recording everything I eat in My Fitness Pal so I can see if I am within macros and calories and also as time goes on, I will be better able to see where I need to make tweaks. keeping my commitment to write daily blog posts in whatever capacity I can (i.e. at my desk before my meetup), reaching out to accountability partners when I need some support and also declaring commitments to them that they will help hold me accountable for, maximizing activities such as when I did the elliptical at lunch today while reading a personal growth book called Path to Liberty we got at the retreat that me and my Alberta sisters are now studying together, checking in daily and posting in our weight loss/health group and being really honest about how I am doing, drinking a minimum of 3-4 litres of water per day and taking supplements, doing things outside my comfort zone like going to the meetup when I just want to go home and chill, following my program from my personal trainer, trying new things and following through with them, accountability groups for personal goals, how I show up at work, weight loss journey and blogging, re-framing thoughts and turning them around to more productive ones, connecting with people on a deeper level, daily writing, reading, studying, listening to motivational speakers/thought leaders especially in the morning, exercising in the morning, loving and accepting myself – all of me, being open and vulnerable, sharing wisdom and inspiration with others, focusing on where I want to go, measuring my days’ results with what I had planned and coming up with new strategies or balances to do better going forward

Here’s what I want to tweak/do more of: tighten up my meal plans further, add more activity into my day, yoga/stretching, connect more with Spirit, work on intuition/energy, write out goals/plans, take on more challenges, re-write my resume and create a Linked In profile, energy work/balancing, reach out to and connect with loved ones including having the tough conversations I need to have, be more efficient in my day so I can be in bed before 10 pm, budget and save more money, get more done at work each day.

I will tweak these as I go along and get better over time. I want to be cognizant of taking on too much that I get overwhelmed and can’t do anything. I want to be really strategic and focused with my time, stripping away all noise. So much I want to do, be, have. Patience grasshopper. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will your new life be.

The Journey’s Beginning

Not quite sure where this post will end up tonight. I have so much coming in right now – thoughts, ideas, inspirations, emotions etc. I was feeling so kick-ass this morning and now not so much. I’m feeling deflated for some unknown reason. I don’t want to write, but here I am doing it and taking long breaks every three minutes or so. At this rate I should have something written by the weekend. haha Wow!

This morning I felt so inspired and on my A-game. I did a T-Tapp workout for the first time which works on fascia and your lymphatic system which I believe will work miracles for my body. It looks deceptively easy but was actually quite tough. I felt quite sore and stiff but I had a lot of fun in the newness and challenge of it. Normally I would downward spiral into frustration and discouragement at how my body felt and how challenging physical things are that weren’t a short time ago before my energy and hormones took a massive nose dive. I actually felt excited though and noticed my thoughts were very different. Instead of focusing on what I couldn’t do or how it was challenging my body in an uncomfortable way, I felt like a kid again laughing at myself flailing about and trying to keep up. LOL

I felt this rush of butterflies in my tummy thinking about this journey I am on and how things in my life are already changing and improving. A powerful realization and knowing that my body is incredibly resilient and will adapt and heal and become strong and energetic again. Which is good because I also just committed to a 30 day full body plank challenge (along with my healthy lifestyle support group from the retreat) where I will work my way up to a 5 minute plank in 30 days. Really?? My personal best at this time is between 40 and 60 seconds. Miracles happen every day, right?! haha

I truly feel that I am at the beginning of something totally new unfolding which I can’t yet see, but can feel deep inside. Driving to work this morning, I started recording the thoughts coming forth and a lot of it was remembering the beginning of my journey in 2011 which was the start of a powerful life transformation. I had made the decision that 2011 was going to be the best year of my life. I declared it and I was going to get it no matter what. Mind, body, soul.

At that time, I started by making daily choices to love and nourish my body. It was never in my realm of possibility then that I would go on to lose 100 pounds. I committed to meal prepping, eating more natural medicinal foods for my body (Eat Right for Your Blood Type), hitting certain macros, trying new things and adjusting as I went along. It was never about the numbers or sizes. I just kept on keeping on challenging myself and growing.

And then I stopped. It wasn’t an action thing but I’ve realized that I had made a subconscious decision to stop. Outwardly, it looked like I was continuing but I really wasn’t. I struggled and fought and blamed my body for not losing more weight but really my body was just obeying my subconscious command to stay right there where it was safe and comfortable.

I remember looking at my tummy and the loose skin from my weight loss feeling a panicked scream well up from deep inside. Newly single after ending a 10+ year relationship, I remember staring at my body in horror wondering how anyone could possibly love me and my naked body. I felt the shame of all that extra weight I had packed on as protection and the resulting stretch marks. I felt the pain of loneliness and disconnection and stuffing feelings down to fill in all the hollow spaces of my body that felt alone, separate, different, unacceptable and lovable. I felt the disgust of seeing what I had done to my body and I felt incredibly flawed and scarred.

I think at that point, I made a subconscious decision to keep up the physical walls of extra padding and separation so no one could get close. I needed to keep the deep shame and all that I thought made me less than and unattractive, hidden.

But now, I feel self-acceptance and okayness with my shadows and all I am,scars and chub, wrinkles and all. At the retreat, I saw that I wasn’t any different from anyone else there. I realized people shared in the same types of fears, insecurities and shame. It looks different on everyone but we are all connected, fighting the same wars, doing our work in our own ways in moving forward. I was relieved to know that I didn’t need to get rid of these feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, not being enough, incapable, lacking value etc but that I could work with them and still take action in spite of them. I can’t tell you how incredibly freeing that has been. And interestingly enough, the more I accept and allow them, the quieter they are. I am taking massive action despite the voices and they are giving up. The weight on my shoulders is getting lighter as is the heaviness in my body.

Interestingly enough, several people at work this week have stopped me to say ‘Wow, what are you doing? You’ve lost a lot of weight and are looking so good. I can see it in your face and waist especially.’

Ironically, the scale is pretty much the highest it’s been since 2012. I’ve been working out with a personal trainer weekly and feel stronger. My clothes are starting to fit a bit looser but nothing close to going down a size or anything. I feel smaller and lighter but it’s not showing in measurements or clothes yet. I feel my body healing and releasing inflammation. I feel my body adapting to my thoughts and self-love.

But physically there is not yet a lot of evidence so I know that people are seeing a different energy and being in me. My energetic field is changing and people are seeing that. And that’s the biggest most powerful confirmation that my thoughts are turning into things. With all the hard work, blood, sweat and tears, I am finally ready to step into the beautiful enriching life that has been waiting for me, which I had been denying myself. Taking back your life is an incredibly powerful feeling. What else is possible? I’m beyond excited to find out.

Moving Past the First Step (which was kind of a cop-out anyway)

Last night after I posted my first blog post, I was elated and super proud of my accomplishment. I reached out to my friend Andrew who is a brilliant young and savvy entrepreneur with loads of talent, drive and kick-ass business acumen. 13 years my junior, he shows up in my life as my mentor, older brother, grumpy old man, kindred spirit, special friend, pain in the ass, and champion pushing me forward. He is also my website hoster.

He can be very cutting, no nonsense harsh, particularly when I am trying to convince him my limitations are real or taking an easy out like asking him to make my site go live after one blog post. Awkward… I tease him about being sociopathic and cold-hearted, hiding his fear under a gruff exterior. He makes fun of me for being a Special Snowflake when I list all the reasons I can’t do something and why my fears are so different from everyone else’s, and Care Bear when I wax psychoanalyst on him and also tell him how much I love him. And yet I know he loves and cares about me a lot.

I texted to ask if he could chat about my blog and got his text response telling me to stop talking, take action and set something up after I’ve written six blog posts. When I proudly told him I just took that first step to post my first one, he said I guess you’d better get back to work then. I thought, ‘What a dick!’ But then I realized he was right.

Yes it was a huge step for me to post that first blog but it also illuminated a standard pattern of mine. Quitting right after a leap or accomplishment thinking it was good enough and that I was done. But I have so much more in me. And really, was it such a big leap? Yes I had to overcome fear and voices in my head telling me why I couldn’t do it or succeed, but I am capable of so much more. He sees that and knows that. He doesn’t buy the bullshit I keep trying to peddle him. And deep down I know it too.

I write fairly well, I can tap into the ‘zone’ where amazing insights flow out on paper when I get out of my own way, I have things to say, I connect into deep wisdom of the Universe once I stop fighting with it, I like to talk and I love helping people/inspiring them. I just had to be willing to drop these stories I keep telling halfheartedly but that I’m actually done with. Andrew wouldn’t entertain wasting time to listen to them which I take as an indication that I’ve turned a corner and am ready to not listen to them anymore either.

Everything is a mirror and I see this as an indication my retreat was indeed life-changing and that something profound has clicked so that I have leveled up. A culmination of a challenging year of deep inner work, letting go, healing and planting seeds. This new life I am creating has no room for bullshit nor head-space for toxic limiting thoughts.

So I said ok. I’ll write five more blog posts within the next seven days so I can get my website published before end of year. Because I know I can push and do more. I still have lots of work to do around learning this blogging craft because I want to go big and powerful. I’m tired of playing small and breaking my heart over and over again with unfulfilled commitments and promises to change. No idea how to get where I want to go but I am trusting my intentions and daily actions will carve out a path.

So much to learn and so much to take action on. But I’m doing it. Find out how to tag, how to write compelling content with high value, how to get my blog out there, figure out who my audience is and what they want/need to hear, develop my creativity, focus on changing my thoughts, keep pushing, feed my mind, body, soul, and leap over new hurdles every day instead of stopping at the first one.

I’m committed to playing at a whole new level than I have thus far in my life. 2020 is going to be my turnaround year. The year where I conquer all that I am afraid of and build a new personal brand of leadership and excellence towards helping others step into their biggest lives. The year that starts with a blank slate in which I have no idea what will happen or how to get where I want to go but lots of blind faith and kindred spirits as accountability partners to help keep me on the straight and narrow.

I will not quit before the miracle occurs. I have dreams and I will work towards them, capturing them in written word so they may one day help others. I am excited to read back a year, even six months from now when I can see where I am at in my journey. Maybe I’ll even surpass what I’m envisioning now. All I know is that it feels good to take action and I’m going to keep going even through the mud and new challenges. Because I can do hard things and so can you.

Taking a First Step

This is from a journal entry November 17, 2019 I wrote in a laundromat in downtown San Francisco after completing the PSI7 retreat in High Valley, California. I committed to myself that this would be my first post on my blog even though I don’t think it’s any good.

I have been putting this off for a very long time and tonight, I am keeping my commitment to post it before the end of this weekend. I’ve danced around the task of blogging for far too long by letting fear win and am feeling a familiar panic now that I’m actually typing this out. I’m acknowledging that part of me who is feeling small and scared and not good enough, telling her we can do this anyway. Also helpful is listening to the retreat play list which is bringing back memories and tears of gratitude. I am remembering that I am brave and courageous enough to move through things that scare me. That and feeling the strength, love and support of Team #588 (my team of 48 from the retreat) standing behind me with their support and encouragement that they’ve got me. So here we go….

I had all these amazing insights and understandings while laying in bed this morning but thought I’d wait til I got to the laundromat to write them down. And to my horror, they’re gone! The potency of what was coming through is gone. I’m not sure if they’ve been dispersed throughout the Universe or into someone else’s head or deep in the hollows of my body but they aren’t here now. The moment has passed and I can’t get it back. Like so many other things in my life I’ve waited on or put off or shoved aside due to fear, desire for comfort and self-imposed limitations. I’m sure the wisdom still resides somewhere inside me but it won’t be expressed out into the world as it could have had I taken action in the moment and followed the inspiration then.

And yet here I am writing something else despite the voices saying “You’ll never get that moment back, taking action is rewarded, procrastination=regret, you never do what you’ll say, you’ll be stuck forever, etc.” Got it. Life moves on with or without me and I don’t want to continue to give those voices the chance to natter at me about lost opportunities and not living my purpose so I’m in this moment now.

I notice all the places I’m coming up against my resistance and the discomfort in my body now that I have made a decision and am taking action. Go put more money in the dryer even though it’s not yet done, check my phone to see if there are any important messages that can’t wait until I’m done, see what’s up on Facebook in the past few minutes and in general stand here bewildered waiting to be struck by literary inspiration that will move the masses.

Hmmm. Why is this resistance so strong? What’s it trying to do for me? Well, frankly…. I’m fucking scared. Scared that I’m a shit writer and have nothing profound to say. Telling myself I’m not capable, creativity hasn’t streamed through me in forever and that there are so many people out there doing it much better, so why try? I fear I’m not doing it right, that I don’t have enough talent and skills to make anything of this. I feel anxious and sad. Restricted, stuck. Trying to write something profound while feeling terribly unprofound, lacking, not enough.

STOP! Deep breath. Stand up. Wonder Woman pose. Yep, right in the middle of the laundromat while some rando dude is taking his clothes out of the washer probably wondering if I took my meds today.

OK, I got this. One more step forward. A commitment to make this my first blog post even though I’ve said pretty much nothing except invite you into my chaotic mind for a few moments and exposed you to my inner symphony of negative critics who don’t shut up for more than two minutes. They’re saying this post is crap. Any maybe it is. But why not keep going anyway? I’m sure many of you reading this can relate to all the limits swirling around in our heads when we are about to bust out of our comfort zones and away from the stories of we think we are.

This is the real work and I’m in it. I’m in my real work. I’m getting clearer by going into my stories and patterns and challenging them, not trying to obliterate them. Ok, let’s be real. I am still very much trying to stuff them down and make them go away like unwanted pimples but it’s ok. I’ll keep resetting and coming back to the moment. I’ll commit to practicing my craft and it will get easier with time as I develop new neural pathways. My writing will get better as I tap into all these storehouses I’ve kept locked up to live in a box that no longer fits.

I’m the lion pressing against a cage that’s become too small. If I ignore the voices saying ‘who do you think you are’ and get really real, I know that I am a messenger meant to help and heal. I have unique skills and abilities. Even if there are others doing or saying the same thing, no one offers what I do because there is only one of me just as there is only one of you with your own unique gifts and talents.

I’ve channeled profound messages, watched my thoughts turning into things, looked into people’s souls and held the mirror up to who they really are, overcome so many of my own fears and limitations, and spread love all around. Why keep denying the power inside?

I’ve always been an avid reader and if those authors had never had the courage to write and tell their stories or push through their limitations, I would have missed out on so much that helped me through dark times, brought hope, educated, inspired, and awakened insights within me. What if someone needs to read what I have to write to help change their life? What if someone needs the medicine I carry within for their healing and hope? What if my soul needs to do this for self-expression and to move forward?

So here we are. Blog post #1. The first step towards many more. I may have lost moments before, but I stayed awake this time to write, ramble and challenge myself. It’s a start. What else is possible?!

Let me know, where have you come up against your resistance? What have you been putting off due to fear and the voices in your head that say you’re incapable or not enough? Where are you still living in the boxes others gave you?