It’s now Saturday and I haven’t written for a couple days as I’ve had appointments after work and got home late. As I say this, I know that I could have written in between moments here and there but I hadn’t really felt like it.
I am still struggling between pushing myself and being in flow. Discerning the voice of my inner tyrant pushing me along like a drill sergeant versus the part of me that wants to move forward quickly into a new life and is urging me into action.
Although, I am starting to feel exhausted and burnt out, anxious, and out of sorts. Resistance is creeping in stronger and stronger. I’m sure over time, things will get clearer, but for now I am feeling a bit of that battle. I do know that in the past, huge shifts, changes and catapulting forward moments were proceeded by a calming, letting go – that deep sigh feeling of lowering the body into a tub of warm, nurturing, healing water with candles glowing all around and yummy scents curling into the nose. Not striving, not pushing – just being.
So this is a theme I am working out now and playing with the balance of – what I need to do to move forward but also what I need to do to be in a state of allowing thoughts to become things with grace and ease. The kind of ease where you are still taking action but also flowing and giving the Universe space to serve up all kinds of yummy goodness that’s even better than what was on the wish list originally. I have been in these exquisite states of flow before and they feel infinitely delicious and expansive.
I have been doing recordings each morning to record what’s happening in my life, how I’m feeling, what’s coming through etc. It feels really good to express all that outside me and captire the moments as I am doing it. Sometimes I get really emotional and cry, sometimes I laugh but mostly I feel a deep connection and gratitude for this journey. You can hear all the emotions, peaks and valleys in these recordings. I think I will mix things up here and there with vlogs.
Thursday (as I am writing this in retrospect of what was coming through that day), I started noticing these anxious bits popping up around food, food addiction, body, body image, questioning if I will ever lose weight, if it’s possible, if I can stick with this, wishing for a key insight that will change everything so that it all happens with ease as it did before and on we go.
I stepped on the scale and it was up two pounds. The number jumped me up and smacked me in the face. Like what the actual fuck??!! I’ve been exercising, meal prepping, staying on track. Then I remembered it’s only been a week and my body is different now that it was then. I need to keep going.
I was starting to feel frantic about changing things up, finding an answer, the ideal plan. Starting to feel powerless and extra cognizant of the gap between what I want and where I am now. I felt a scream starting to form inside again. Then I realized I need to go for at least one month, two months, three months consistently with what I am doing and only then if it isn’t working I can think about doing something else.
Because what’s the alternative? Going off plan, eating whatever, whenever without being mindful to what it’s doing for and in my body? Feeling lost with no idea where I am and why? Not having a blueprint in place from which to measure me progress against? Moving through life haphazardly as if blowing about like a tumbleweed with no roots? The alternative doesn’t sound any better at all. At least now I feel like I am working towards something, helping, healing and nourishing my body. At least now I am at the beginning of starting to feel better, more alive and on target.
This is in line with a recording I listened to where Les Brown talks about how people quit after a short period of time saying it’s not working but really they didn’t give it enough time before giving up. It pisses me off because I want it to happen now. For B to follow A for 1 to equal 1, calories in versus calories out, for my plan to work as it always did before. But my body knows what to do for perfect health and I get the sense it has different priorities right now to rebuild and heal after all the stress I’ve put it through the past two years. My body wants to feel free and vibrant and light too I’m sure but is obeying what I am subconsciously telling it – Master, your wish is my command.
I’m working on telling a new story but this weight/body/self part is so deep and hard to get it at seems. Why is all this shit so complex? Lol I’m sure it’s not but I am making it that way struggling, pushing against things.
There is also this other part of me saying, no, we’re not doing this anymore. Let’s change our patterns and thoughts, push forward and put any contrary thoughts to the side. While that is good and helpful and will definitely help me get where I need to go, the reality is that there is something inside knocking on the door inside, wanting my attention and saying Hey! I’m here! I have something to say! Listen to me! I need to listen, without collapsing into it or letting it take over and of course with discernment to understand if it’s a friend or foe trying to pull me back.
I’ve recently done some work around shadows and the only way out is through, slogging through mud, moving forward, figuring it out and accepting. The journey isn’t all positive thinking and moving through with ease but also getting really real with your shit and even allowing it to hit you in the face before wiping it off. I’m working towards loving and accepting what is right now, even as I feel the war starting inside.
My body, my suit of armour, my anchor to the earth, my protection, my shell, my connection with all that is – it’s been an ever present struggle for most of my life starting with when I was put on a diet as an infant. Even then I was getting the message that who I was was unacceptable. That somehow my body had to be restricted, molded into submission, made smaller. I was fed messages that my body couldn’t be trusted to do the right thing on its own and have moved through life feeling that my body is the enemy. I’ve picked up the messages and carried this burden that somehow that I am missing the boat and need someone outside me to help find it.
But I don’t. I have lost huge amounts of weight on my own before. I am strong. I am capable. I am a warrior. I have healed myself. I have moved forward in life even when I had no idea how I could go on. I have changed and I have transformed. I have been thrown into the fire and risen like a Phoenix from the ashes.
I am reminded of that meme where the kitten is looking into the mirror and sees a lion. That’s where I am now. Looking at the lion. Staring it in the face and not knowing how to step into that body but knowing there is hope. There is a way and I will find it.