Not quite sure where this post will end up tonight. I have so much coming in right now – thoughts, ideas, inspirations, emotions etc. I was feeling so kick-ass this morning and now not so much. I’m feeling deflated for some unknown reason. I don’t want to write, but here I am doing it and taking long breaks every three minutes or so. At this rate I should have something written by the weekend. haha Wow!
This morning I felt so inspired and on my A-game. I did a T-Tapp workout for the first time which works on fascia and your lymphatic system which I believe will work miracles for my body. It looks deceptively easy but was actually quite tough. I felt quite sore and stiff but I had a lot of fun in the newness and challenge of it. Normally I would downward spiral into frustration and discouragement at how my body felt and how challenging physical things are that weren’t a short time ago before my energy and hormones took a massive nose dive. I actually felt excited though and noticed my thoughts were very different. Instead of focusing on what I couldn’t do or how it was challenging my body in an uncomfortable way, I felt like a kid again laughing at myself flailing about and trying to keep up. LOL
I felt this rush of butterflies in my tummy thinking about this journey I am on and how things in my life are already changing and improving. A powerful realization and knowing that my body is incredibly resilient and will adapt and heal and become strong and energetic again. Which is good because I also just committed to a 30 day full body plank challenge (along with my healthy lifestyle support group from the retreat) where I will work my way up to a 5 minute plank in 30 days. Really?? My personal best at this time is between 40 and 60 seconds. Miracles happen every day, right?! haha
I truly feel that I am at the beginning of something totally new unfolding which I can’t yet see, but can feel deep inside. Driving to work this morning, I started recording the thoughts coming forth and a lot of it was remembering the beginning of my journey in 2011 which was the start of a powerful life transformation. I had made the decision that 2011 was going to be the best year of my life. I declared it and I was going to get it no matter what. Mind, body, soul.
At that time, I started by making daily choices to love and nourish my body. It was never in my realm of possibility then that I would go on to lose 100 pounds. I committed to meal prepping, eating more natural medicinal foods for my body (Eat Right for Your Blood Type), hitting certain macros, trying new things and adjusting as I went along. It was never about the numbers or sizes. I just kept on keeping on challenging myself and growing.
And then I stopped. It wasn’t an action thing but I’ve realized that I had made a subconscious decision to stop. Outwardly, it looked like I was continuing but I really wasn’t. I struggled and fought and blamed my body for not losing more weight but really my body was just obeying my subconscious command to stay right there where it was safe and comfortable.
I remember looking at my tummy and the loose skin from my weight loss feeling a panicked scream well up from deep inside. Newly single after ending a 10+ year relationship, I remember staring at my body in horror wondering how anyone could possibly love me and my naked body. I felt the shame of all that extra weight I had packed on as protection and the resulting stretch marks. I felt the pain of loneliness and disconnection and stuffing feelings down to fill in all the hollow spaces of my body that felt alone, separate, different, unacceptable and lovable. I felt the disgust of seeing what I had done to my body and I felt incredibly flawed and scarred.
I think at that point, I made a subconscious decision to keep up the physical walls of extra padding and separation so no one could get close. I needed to keep the deep shame and all that I thought made me less than and unattractive, hidden.
But now, I feel self-acceptance and okayness with my shadows and all I am,scars and chub, wrinkles and all. At the retreat, I saw that I wasn’t any different from anyone else there. I realized people shared in the same types of fears, insecurities and shame. It looks different on everyone but we are all connected, fighting the same wars, doing our work in our own ways in moving forward. I was relieved to know that I didn’t need to get rid of these feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, not being enough, incapable, lacking value etc but that I could work with them and still take action in spite of them. I can’t tell you how incredibly freeing that has been. And interestingly enough, the more I accept and allow them, the quieter they are. I am taking massive action despite the voices and they are giving up. The weight on my shoulders is getting lighter as is the heaviness in my body.
Interestingly enough, several people at work this week have stopped me to say ‘Wow, what are you doing? You’ve lost a lot of weight and are looking so good. I can see it in your face and waist especially.’
Ironically, the scale is pretty much the highest it’s been since 2012. I’ve been working out with a personal trainer weekly and feel stronger. My clothes are starting to fit a bit looser but nothing close to going down a size or anything. I feel smaller and lighter but it’s not showing in measurements or clothes yet. I feel my body healing and releasing inflammation. I feel my body adapting to my thoughts and self-love.
But physically there is not yet a lot of evidence so I know that people are seeing a different energy and being in me. My energetic field is changing and people are seeing that. And that’s the biggest most powerful confirmation that my thoughts are turning into things. With all the hard work, blood, sweat and tears, I am finally ready to step into the beautiful enriching life that has been waiting for me, which I had been denying myself. Taking back your life is an incredibly powerful feeling. What else is possible? I’m beyond excited to find out.