Last night after I posted my first blog post, I was elated and super proud of my accomplishment. I reached out to my friend Andrew who is a brilliant young and savvy entrepreneur with loads of talent, drive and kick-ass business acumen. 13 years my junior, he shows up in my life as my mentor, older brother, grumpy old man, kindred spirit, special friend, pain in the ass, and champion pushing me forward. He is also my website hoster.
He can be very cutting, no nonsense harsh, particularly when I am trying to convince him my limitations are real or taking an easy out like asking him to make my site go live after one blog post. Awkward… I tease him about being sociopathic and cold-hearted, hiding his fear under a gruff exterior. He makes fun of me for being a Special Snowflake when I list all the reasons I can’t do something and why my fears are so different from everyone else’s, and Care Bear when I wax psychoanalyst on him and also tell him how much I love him. And yet I know he loves and cares about me a lot.
I texted to ask if he could chat about my blog and got his text response telling me to stop talking, take action and set something up after I’ve written six blog posts. When I proudly told him I just took that first step to post my first one, he said I guess you’d better get back to work then. I thought, ‘What a dick!’ But then I realized he was right.
Yes it was a huge step for me to post that first blog but it also illuminated a standard pattern of mine. Quitting right after a leap or accomplishment thinking it was good enough and that I was done. But I have so much more in me. And really, was it such a big leap? Yes I had to overcome fear and voices in my head telling me why I couldn’t do it or succeed, but I am capable of so much more. He sees that and knows that. He doesn’t buy the bullshit I keep trying to peddle him. And deep down I know it too.
I write fairly well, I can tap into the ‘zone’ where amazing insights flow out on paper when I get out of my own way, I have things to say, I connect into deep wisdom of the Universe once I stop fighting with it, I like to talk and I love helping people/inspiring them. I just had to be willing to drop these stories I keep telling halfheartedly but that I’m actually done with. Andrew wouldn’t entertain wasting time to listen to them which I take as an indication that I’ve turned a corner and am ready to not listen to them anymore either.
Everything is a mirror and I see this as an indication my retreat was indeed life-changing and that something profound has clicked so that I have leveled up. A culmination of a challenging year of deep inner work, letting go, healing and planting seeds. This new life I am creating has no room for bullshit nor head-space for toxic limiting thoughts.
So I said ok. I’ll write five more blog posts within the next seven days so I can get my website published before end of year. Because I know I can push and do more. I still have lots of work to do around learning this blogging craft because I want to go big and powerful. I’m tired of playing small and breaking my heart over and over again with unfulfilled commitments and promises to change. No idea how to get where I want to go but I am trusting my intentions and daily actions will carve out a path.
So much to learn and so much to take action on. But I’m doing it. Find out how to tag, how to write compelling content with high value, how to get my blog out there, figure out who my audience is and what they want/need to hear, develop my creativity, focus on changing my thoughts, keep pushing, feed my mind, body, soul, and leap over new hurdles every day instead of stopping at the first one.
I’m committed to playing at a whole new level than I have thus far in my life. 2020 is going to be my turnaround year. The year where I conquer all that I am afraid of and build a new personal brand of leadership and excellence towards helping others step into their biggest lives. The year that starts with a blank slate in which I have no idea what will happen or how to get where I want to go but lots of blind faith and kindred spirits as accountability partners to help keep me on the straight and narrow.
I will not quit before the miracle occurs. I have dreams and I will work towards them, capturing them in written word so they may one day help others. I am excited to read back a year, even six months from now when I can see where I am at in my journey. Maybe I’ll even surpass what I’m envisioning now. All I know is that it feels good to take action and I’m going to keep going even through the mud and new challenges. Because I can do hard things and so can you.